I know, stinky subject but shut up. haha. Umm, I'm numb for some reason. Haven't been on in forever thanks to band camp. I don't want school to start and I wish that I could actually talk to people and tell them what's on my mind. But I can't cause I'm a chicken and I hate confrontation and everything's just screwy right now. I hate the fact that I'm so shy and scared of everything because in a sense I'm braver than some people too. This'll sound wierd and maybe a bit conceited but I don't care. I've gone through two open heart surgeries, two heart caths, a divorce, an abusive stepparent, my mom moving away, a new stepsister, moving to a new school, and being ridiculed and told that I was never good enough all my life. That should count for something right? So why am I always the quiet one? Why do I choose to act the way I do? Can I help it? Would I be happier if I were bolder? See, these questions are the one's that piss me off cause there's nothing I can do about it. Or maybe there is and I just haven't found it yet. Whatever the case is I know that I'm trying to figure things out and I can't do that alone. So who is my best friend now? Who is my confidante? Who can I trust anymore? Is there anyone? Why is it that whenever I find someone that I can talk to, they always slip away? They always find someone better and smarter and tougher and prettier and more perfect and I'm just left in the dust? This just pisses me off. I'm sorry but I just feel so confused. And I know ya'll are thinking *waa waa big baby's got a problem* but I just feel so unloved right now. No maybe not unloved just unwanted. I dunno. It just seems kinda confusing that's all. And truthfully I'm not sure if it'll ever get better. But I'll just try not to break down too much and act like everything's okay because I would never want to upset anyone. Even for my feelings' sake.